I did it. And now that I know that I did it, and you probably haven’t, I’m going to say that I’m stronger than you. Of all the things that I’ve done while quarantining, it is THIS that I am most proud of. And I’ve done a lot of things. But most of these other things are things expected from a writer like myself. As a writer, you expect me to, well, write. Finish up long-awaited projects. Develop television shows. Shit, I even painted my living room. But none of that compares to the one thing I never thought I would want or need to do.
I gave myself a bikini wax.
Don’t judge me. I never went into this thinking or caring about whether I could. I just got caught up in quarantine doing anything and everything. And there it was. A small orange box for 9.99. It was just sitting there on the shelf, at the one place I found myself visiting daily. CVS was the only shit that was open and after the 5th visit, it’s pretty fucking boring in there. Plus, the box was staring at me in the face and European wax just left me out here with no other option. No phone call. No text. No see you next month. No nothing. One day everything was fine, and then COVID happened, and then my life down there changed. European Wax is not an essential business and Kimmie has no desire to make house calls and risk her safety. So I had one option. And her name was Sally Hensen.
Well, I bought the box. And now my life has changed. In comparison to the 51 dollars I spend monthly (60 with tip), this 9.99 or so is going to last me a lifetime. I still have the same wax jar I bought almost three months ago. The jar is half full! And I’ve given myself a bikini wax multiple…never mind, you don’t need to know how fast my hair grows.
Still, this skill is not for the weak. And I’ve mastered it. That two seconds before the pull is certainly a deep breath moment. But before I explain how to do this, there are some things you must know.
1. Don’t ever touch the wax jar without wearing plastic gloves. I figured that out the first time I did it and the wax got all over the floor, my fingers, and the toilet bowl (don’t ask why I picked that location the first time—but we’ll get back to that).
2. I realized that when you dip that tongue depressor in the wax jar and apply it to your skin, you have to have somewhere to place it down that’s not your furniture. That too was a lesson learned. And the wax must be hot enough, so despite the instructions on the box, keep warming that shit in the microwave until it looks like hot pudding. I mean, test it before application, but I’m assuming you ain’t that stupid.
3. Now, the hard part. Lay on top of a towel, wherever you like. I use my bed, but if you do yoga and you want to use a yoga mat, then use that. Butterfly position just like she tells you at the salon (if you don’t know what I mean by that, stop reading this and keep shaving). Spread the wax down in the direction of the hair growth. Take the paper in the box and lay it on top of the wax, holding the skin besides it tightly. This is the moment.
It is not the moment to think about anything else. It’s time to pull, and you need to pull fast (in the opposite direction). This is where your mental strength is tested. Are you really about that life, or are you a weak woman who lets everyone walk all over you? Once you pull correctly, you will know what you are made of. But I admit, it will take you a few botched times before you are built for this. The first couple of times I did this, I was a nobody who paid the price. It hurt like hell. But once you get the hang of just doing it like Nike, you will feel like somebody. Just PULL FAST!!
Be prepared to be messy the first few times. It’s a trial and error type of thing, but now that I’ve mastered this, I’ve become addicted to keeping it smooth. I don’t have to wait until my next appointment. I am my own appointment.
I feel like I can accomplish anything now. I await the next challenge. And if you are like me, I just saved you hundreds of dollars a year. Try it. Wax yourself. If nothing else, you will occupy at least 30 minutes of all this time you have at home these days.
PS - the toilet is only meant for you when you are ready to graduate to Brazilian.
- Kim O.